


Hurt and grieve but don't suffer alone

by gay_and_panicked



Category: The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Angst, Cuddles, Dehumanization, Explicit Language, F/F, Family Feels, Hurt/Comfort, Immortal dumbasses in love, M/M, Multi, Not Canon Compliant, OT3, Protective Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Protective Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Torture, Why? Because i said so., andy get her immortality back, ot3 antis please dont interact, please dont repost without my permission, quynh giving off those protective older sister murder vibes, todays mood is: murder
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-09
Updated: 2021-01-16
Packaged: 2021-03-06 16:41:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 8
Words: 12,465
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26372146
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gay_and_panicked/pseuds/gay_and_panicked
Summary: "We have a problem,"Copley started making his way into the living room where they had all draped themselves onto his couches upon their arrival to his house."Don't we always."Andy droned from her place on Quynh's lap getting a wicked little smile from her beloved and a poke in the side from Nile."what's up Copley?"Nile asked kindly from her spot on the floor against Quynh's legs looking up at the man pacing in front of the group where his old serial killer boards on all of them had been cleared years ago. He swallowed nervously."I can't find booker."
Relationships: Andy | Andromache of Scythia/Quynh | Noriko, Booker | Sebastien le Livre/Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolo di Genova, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 118
Kudos: 260





	1. look who's digging there own grave

**Author's Note:**

> This is mostly just a brain dump. Hope you find it enjoyable. Work title from Achilles come down by gang of youths. Chapter title from Icarus by Bastille. Please be kind!

The start of bookers' sixth year of exile found the man in a bar hunched over his sixth glass of whiskey for the night.

The bartender had long since stopped looking at booker with concern or trying to cut him off. Wordlessly booker dropped crumpled bills on the bar top and hopped off the stool making his way into the cold Parisian night.

The chill seeped through his clothes determined to find booker's skin. He pulled his thin leather jacket tighter around his body setting his sights on the dilapidated apartment building he had been staying in for the last six years.

Six years. That seemed both the longest in his life while somehow simultaneously passing in the blink of an eye. Some nights he just drank. He'd sit in the living room not bothering with glasses instead swigging straight from the bottle of amber liquid staring at his first addition don Quixote.

Have a little faith book.

He'd sit up till sunbeams spread across the old cover constant burning in the back of his throat as he worked through his entire stash of cheap liquor. Sleep eluded him even now that he had stopped dreaming of Quynh.

His dreams instead taking on the sinister twist of his psyche. Jean Pierre dying in his arms his face shifting back and forth between his son to his immortal sister now mortal bleeding out in his arms looking up with such betrayal.

Such bone-deep sadness and grief as she bled out from the bullet wound he gave her when he stabbed her in the back. Well, shot. Other nights he'd dream of his lovers, strapped to a table screaming at him screaming of his betrayal. Joe with his hot burning rage, Nicky with his cold quiet fury.

The blue-eyed man had held him close only days before. Held Sebastian's head tight to his chest whispering sweet nothings into his hair... now he refused to meet his eyes.

The cold detachment froze booker down to his bones. So he drowned himself at the bottom of a bottle. The dreams let up when he was drunk off his ass so he made it a personal goal to be drunk off his ass as often as possible.

His footsteps echoed off the buildings surrounding him as he made his way into the crumbling door frame of his flat. Unlocking the door quickly he stumbled into the cluttered apartment dropping his jacket on the table.

He ambled his way over to the bar he kept stocked and grabbed a bottle of Jim bean collapsing on the couch to drink his sorrows away. Maybe if he hadn't been so drunk he would've noticed the quiet breathing of someone else watching from the shadows of his room.

Would have heard the almost completely muffled footsteps emerging quickly from behind him. He only registered that he was not alone when someone tried wrapped a thin wire around his neck.

His hands shot up to intercept the wire before it could cut off his airstream. Grabbing the wrists of the heavily armed man behind him and flipping him over he moved to quickly divest him of one of his handguns.

The scuffle knocked over the bottle of whiskey and glass crunched underneath his boots as he quickly surveyed the apartment pointing the gun at the group of four men running in through the broken door.

He shoots the first four that run through the entrance and begins running toward the door only to be confronted by another wave of men bursting through the doorway.

He's eyeing the window trying to guess if he could make it far on a broken leg when a shot rings out through the apartment and everything goes dark.


	2. full of broken thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> He wakes with a groan rolling over to spit out a blood-covered bullet. he was certainly sober now.   
> "What the fuck."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello again I have another chapter for you. I honestly don't know if this is any good or if this story will go anywhere but I'm having fun writing it and that's what's important. please be kind!

He wakes with a groan rolling over to spit out a blood-covered bullet. he was certainly sober now. 

"What the  _ fuck." _

He goes to sit up and a guard forces him back down to the floor. He tears his arm out of the man's grip with a growl. blue eyes survey the van he's been shoved in. His hands and feet are chained to the wall ten men stationed around him all armed and dressed to the nines in Kevlar. 

_ They learned from joe and Nicky then.  _

He tests the give of the chains and much to his chagrin finds them much to close for him to break his way out of them. Instead, he chooses to close his eyes. 

There's no way he's getting out of this right now. Might as well wait till he can find his bearings and break his way out. He calms his breaths and gets the closest he can to sleep while still being aware of the noise around him. 

The van stops and he lazily opens his eyes making his stance as casual as he can while they undo his chains from the wall and start crossing his arms and chaining them in an x across his chest. 

"All this for little old me I'm flattered. truly."

the guard to his right huffs in annoyance and he lets a small smile of victory spread on his face. If these assholes want him to come silently they don't know who they're dealing with at all.

He grabs the chain with his right-hand twisting it around the guard's neck and falls to the ground pushing his hands up and snapping the man's neck. Using the dead guard as a shield he pushes forward knocking over another guard and grabbing the knife from the dead one's belt. Slashing out violently he slits the neck of the one on the floor. 

Turning back he stabs with almost feral energy quickly taking down two more guards before he gets shot in the knee causing him to ground out a scream dropping to the floor.

He lets out a pained laugh as he's moved back onto his feet and shoved forward roughly chains wrapping around his entire upper body. Bullets burrowing out of his knees he chuckles harshly, fighting against the hands pushing him towards the plane. He drops his weight into the seat they shove him in and sighs comfortably.

"Nice digs  _ Trous Du Cul. _ I mean I expected champagne but y' know"

he tilts his head.

"I can't assume you knuckleheads know anything about hospitality I guess." 

he looks pointedly at the chains wrapped around him. One of the guard's grunts in frustration and punches his jaw. 

He chuckles and spits blood at his feet leaning his head back against the headrest. The rest of the flight goes similarly. Him making snide little comments just to get on the nerves of the men surrounding him.

He ends up losing a couple of teeth by the end of the flight but the look on the assholes face anytime he opens his mouth makes a petty little voice in the back of his head whisper.

_ worth it. _

He's jostled back onto his feet and they push him out of the plane maybe definitely a little ruffer than they needed to. He makes his way into the unmarked building shuffling his feet a little just to annoy the assholes more. 

Strapped down to a table they cut off his shirt tightening the bands draped across his body. He begins whistling a little tune schooling his face to impassivity covering the distant fear that's begun to gnaw at his stomach. 

Sure he's been captured before. Two centuries of perpetual living it would be weird for someone to  _ not _ notice. He had been captured before but he had always been reassured by the fact that he had a team that would find him break him out if he couldn't himself. He wouldn't fool himself now though he knew they weren't coming for him. 

The thought had his tune briefly stuttering to a stop. He would probably be here forever maybe until he could break out or until his hundred years were over. Or they wouldn't maybe they'd realize what he'd just been waiting for them to realize the last two hundred years.

That he was a fraud. Someone not worthy of their love. They'd think he had decided to stay away to run from them like the coward he was. Looking around he examined the lab he was forced into. Air sterile and cold sending goosebumps across his skin. Tools laying innocently off to his right just waiting for the newest "doctor" to come in and use him as a never-dying lab rat.

Maybe this is what he deserved. He had sent joe and Nicky into this fate no matter how accidentally. He had never wanted his lovers to go into captivity had never wanted his oldest sister to be injured his youngest to be thrown from a building. 

To have her first days of immortality be so traumatic. He had only turned himself in had only wanted them to experiment on him but then.. well Merrick got greedy Copley got compromised and let the existence of the other three slip.

He had gotten so desperate but he would never be desperate enough to sentence his family to that fate. he was going to shoot Andy make her think he had betrayed them then kill her, kill Copley and turn himself in. He'd get joe and Nicky out tell them that he betrayed them after they finished off the guards then he'd leave them and tie up the loose ends. Turn himself into the next pharma company that was on the list and let them think he betrayed them so they would leave him behind. 

No one alive would know he wasn't the only immortal and they would keep him and leave his family alone. It had been a shaky plan in the first place but it all went to shit when Andy didn't stop bleeding. 

When she got taken in along with him. So he let his family think he had done it. They wouldn't believe him if he said the truth now, they wouldn't be able to trust him again. So he let them think he had deceived them let his family walk away from him. 

They would be better without him anyway. He was pulled from his thoughts by the click of heels against the linoleum flooring. He turned his head toward the noise and much to his surprise was greeted by doctor Meta Kozak. The bitch that had worked for Merrick the first time. 

"Welcome to your new home mister Le Livre lets get started shall we?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trous Du Cul. ~ assholes 
> 
> I think the next chapter will be from the pov of the team. so there's that. hope you enjoyed! <3


	3. was this a sign that things were going wrong?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "what do you mean you can't find booker?"
> 
> Her sharp voice lashed out at Copley worry for her younger brother making the blood in her veins turn to ice. 
> 
> "I mean I haven't seen him anywhere I went to do my weekly scan of CCTV. Erase all of you from the footage... and I haven't seen him. Not once in the past week."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey there! new chapter coming at ya. I hope you enjoy. <3

"We have a problem,"

Copley started making his way into the living room where they had all draped themselves onto his couches upon their arrival to his house. 

"Don't we always."

Andy droned from her place on Quynh's lap getting a wicked little smile from her beloved and a poke in the side from Nile. 

"What's up Copley?"

Nile asked kindly from her spot on the floor against Quynh's legs looking up at the man pacing in front of the group where his old serial killer boards on all of them had been cleared years ago. He swallowed nervously.

"I can't find booker." 

The girls sat up quickly worry shining in Quynh's usually wicked eyes.

"What do you mean you can't find booker?"

Her sharp voice lashed out at Copley worry for her younger brother making the blood in her veins turn to ice. 

"I mean I haven't seen him anywhere I went to do my weekly scan of CCTV. Erase all of you from the footage and.... I haven't seen him. Not once in the past week."

Joe starts to make a comment when Copley interrupts him.

"In itself, that was not unusual but something just feels off. He hasn't even gone out to the liquor store and  _ that _ is very unusual he usually makes store runs at least twice a week."

Quynh lifts Andy off her lap and walks toward Copley 

"Give me your computer."

He starts to protest but one look from the immortal has him retreating quickly to grab his computer. She takes it and begins typing furiously her demeanor quick and worried. 

" what are you doing Quynh?"

Nicky asks from joes side. she turns toward him.

"You didn't honestly think I would just leave booker with zero protection right?"

She sends him a look that just screams  _ who the fuck do you think I am? _

she turns back to the computer and seems to find what she's looking for and sets the computer on the coffee table. 

"that man cannot stay out of trouble to save his life. So I planted a camera in his apartment last time I saw him."

Andy cracks up at Nile's surprised face. 

"You did what?"

"He's my baby brother I was not going to lose him. Ever. There's a camera in his apartment and trackers and bugs laced into all of his clothing."

Quynh turns back to the computer like that's a completely normal thing to just drop on your family. She ignores their stuttered replies and turns on the recording from a week ago.

They watch as booker ambles into his apartment swaying just the slightest bit as he makes his way to the couch with a bottle of alcohol. His hair is greasy and unkept going to his chin in tresses of dirty blonde. His beard is longer now dark hair scruffy against his jaw. 

He settles into the couch staring aimlessly at the book sat on his coffee table. The only clean surface in his apartment as the book looks in better condition then the man. Nile inhales sharply.

"He's not alone there's someone in his room."

Nicky drags his gaze from Sebastian to the doorway where a man clad in Kevlar begins carefully padding his way toward Booker unraveling a garrote. 

"How does he not hear him!"

Nile is rubbing the back of her neck nervously as she watches the footage. The man goes to wrap the wire around his neck but Booker catches the wire quickly flipping the man over his shoulder knocking the bottle of amber over in the process. Grabbing his handgun and shooting the four that ran through the door directly between the eyes. Nile whistles at that.

"damn bookers a good shot."

He quickly runs toward the door just to be swarmed by more men all aiming guns directly at him. Booker looks to the side gauging how bad the fall from the window would be when the man he had knocked over behind him shot him in the head. 

Joe flinched as Booker crumpled to the floor, blood seeping into the carpet around him. The man unloads the whole cartridge into his body aiming for areas that'll keep him down longer and motions to the other armed men and they drag him out of the doorway bright red smears left in his wake. 

They sit in shock as people dressed in normal clothes come in and clean up the apartment wiping up the blood splattered on the wall cleaning the red strain as much as they can before dragging a rug over it and changing their clothes putting all the soiled articles in plastic bags. leaving his apartment looking completely normal. As if nothing ever happened. 

Nile clears her throat wiping a hand down her face.

"You said you had trackers in his clothes?"

Quynh silently changes the screens there are no longer visuals but they can abruptly hear whispered conversations of the guards talking about random nothings. 

_ "what the fuck" _

They hear booker groan through the bug. Nile snorts a little.

They hear the noise of chains as Booker goes to sit up and the clunk of him being shoved back against the ground. He growls lowly and the clothE of his shirt rubs against itself as he tears his arm out of their grip. His shackles stir as he pulls against where they're welded to the wall. They can hear when he gives up trying with a tired huff. Nicky can almost see Bookers face as his head clunks against the wall with a thud sighing deeply. the van is silent in transit save the soft huffs of booker's breath. after another fifteen minutes, the van startles to a stop. They hear the guards get up unchaining booker from the wall. 

_ "All this for little old me I'm flattered. truly." _

There's a huff and Nicky can just hear booker's smug smile. It makes a smirk spread on his face.

"they unchained him from the wall. That was a mistake."

Sure enough, the next thing they hear is the unmistakable snap of a man's neck as booker fights his way through the guards. At some point, he gets a knife and they hear the gurgle of blood from a slit throat. Booker is letting out feral sounds the slashing of his knife audible. His breath gets heavier as they can only assume he is running when a pop rings through the air and booker screams in pain his body thudding against the floor. He starts chuckling harshly as he gets roughed onto the plane by the guards, secured again. 

_ "Nice digs Trous Du Cul. I mean I expected champagne but y' know.." _

Joe chuckles behind him as booker takes it upon himself to make the entirety of the flight a living hell for the rest of them. their pretty sure they hear him spit out a couple of teeth but he just keeps going annoying the shit out of all the passengers. He gets strapped down to what they assume is a table and begins whistling.

To anyone else, he would sound completely unaffected but joe and Nicky know the song their young lover is whistling. It was an old Genoese lullaby Nicky used to sing to him hen he would have nightmares.

Booker was afraid. That simple fact frightened Nicky more than he would care to admit. It seemed to have the same effect on Joe as their hands intertwine and joe looks at him worry evident on his face. 

Booker was not one to be scared easily. Something in his surroundings. Something they couldn't see was scaring him enough he subconsciously sought comfort. That wasn't a good sign. heels click in the background and they hear booker suck in a deep breath.

_ "Welcome to your new home mister le livre lets get started shall we?" _


	4. Weep little lion man, You're not as brave as you were at the start.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "he told me he would tell you guys. he made me swear not to say anything before he did."
> 
> Joe calls out in rage punching the wall.
> 
> "Why the hell would he let us believe he betrayed us!!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i'm kinda just pumping these out now. hope you like the new chapter. translations at the end. <3

Nicky couldn't stifle his gasp as the voice of meta Kozak flowed through the air. Joe stills next to him.

"Who is that?"

Nile asks turning towards the boys. 

"That's Kozak she was the one experimenting on me and Nicky."

Nile's eyes widen as she turns back toward the computer. Booker seems surprised as well if the tongue he switches into is any sign.

_ "c'est quoi cette merde! Comment es tu encore en vie!" _

_ Kozak lets out a laugh and walks over snapping on gloves as she walks.  _

_ "Oh your dear team seemed to forget I was only knocked out when they made their little escape." Booker hisses slightly. _

"fuck" Andy quietly whispers.

_ "When I got out with what little research I could...well it wasn't hard to find another benefactor."  _

_ "It wasn't that hard to find you. It didn't seem like you were trying to hide. And well it was easiest to get you. I needed more research as I didn't get enough with my last subjects...." _

Nicky winces at her choice of words.

_ The sound of booker pulling against his restraints harshly interrupts her speech. _

_ "Espèce de salope au cœur froid! ils sont des êtres humains!" _

Nicky feels warmth settle in his chest at bookers defense of them.

_ She laughs bitterly. _

_ " With all the gore you left behind...all the people you killed without a thought...can one even call you human anymore?" _

_ "Do what you want to me I don't care. But you hurt my family. It may take decades but I promise you I will kill you for what you did to them _ . _ " Booker spits the words into her face. _

His mouth drops a little at booker's promise. Sadness settling in his heart.

_ "We'll see." Booker lets out a pained groan on the other end of the mic.  _

His family sits there listening to booker groan in pain as the doctor does her preliminary testing. Nicky remembers what that felt like. A scalpel slicing through skin. trying to heal around needles poking around your organs. He winces when booker curses loudly in French. 

_ "If you lose a limb does it regrow?" _

The question makes the immortal's blood run cold. 

_ "yes. It takes quite a while though I might have to warn you, doctor." _

_ "Then I guess we'll just let that be the stopping point for today." _

A tear slides down Nicky's cheek as bookers screams echo around the room. Bone saw in the background the horrid noise of bone being cut resonating through his very being. His screams continue for close to an hour before dr. Kozak finally finishes, bidding booker goodnight and closing the door behind her. The rest of that night's recording is just booker whimpering and the crack of bones growing back. Quynh wordlessly leans over stopping the recording. She skips ahead to the recording from this morning. 

_ kozak's heels click into the room. _

_ "Good morning subject four." _

_ Booker answers her with a heartbreaking whimper. _

_ "Its been a week four. I would have thought your team would have come to rescue you by now." _

_ "Je te l'ai déjà dit. Ils ne viendront pas. Ils pensent que je les ai trahis. je leur ai laissé croire que je les avais trahis exactement pour cette raison . espèce de salope au cœur froid." he answers back voice scratchy from screaming. _

Joe makes an audible noise of suprise. "He let us think what!"

They all turn to Copley rage clouding their features. The man shrinks back from the weight if it. He holds his hands up in surrender.

"He told me he would tell you guys. He made me swear not to say anything before he did."

Joe calls out in rage punching the wall.

"Why the hell would he let us believe he betrayed us!!"

Nicky is drawn out of his shock when he hears Sebastian screams resonating from the computer once again. Only this time he's whimpering something and Nicky lets out a choked sob when he can hear booker.

_ "S'il vous plait, s'il vous plait, pitié!" _

The recording finally hits present booker's small huffs of breath carrying through the room. They all sit in shocked silence tears silently streaming down their faces. 

"H-how many days has he been there?"

Nile breaks the silence with a hushed whisper.

"Seven."

Quynh answers back her voice firm as steel. Her eyes are hard and cold fingers curled so tight there's blood dripping onto the floor. 

"We need to get him out of there."

Andy's voice wavers as she wipes tears from her face quickly. 

"You said you had trackers on him as well beloved?"

Quynh nods firmly, typing at the computer and pulling up a map. 

"He's in north London at an old building owned by smith pharmaceuticals."

Andy nods standing to smooth her shirt.

"We leave in a half-hour be mission-ready by then"

She walks out of the room and everything explodes into motion. Nile all but runs to her room to change as Quynh follows Andy fists still tightly curled. Joe walks over to where Nicky is sitting face cold and detached tears still streaming down his cheeks. 

"Habibi..."

Joe grabs Nicky's hands carefully placing them over his heart. 

"We will find him, my love, we'll bring him home."

Nicky truly breaks down then lets himself fall forward into joe's neck sobbing out his anguish into his lover's skin. Joe stokes his neck soothingly until Nicky's sobs quiet and he pushes himself into a standing position helping joe up from the floor. 

"We'll find him."

Nicky sets his shoulder and his jaw clenches so hard his teeth threaten to crack. 

"And we'll make her pay."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> c'est quoi cette merde! Comment es tu encore en vie! ~ what the fuck! how are you still alive! 
> 
> espèce de salope au cœur froid! ils sont des êtres humains! ~ you cold-hearted bitch! they are human beings! 
> 
> Je te l'ai déjà dit. Ils ne viendront pas. Ils pensent que je les ai trahis. je leur ai laissé croire que je les avais trahis exactement pour cette raison . espèce de salope au cœur froid. ~ I already told you. they won't come. they think I betrayed them. I let them believe that I betrayed them for that exact reason. you cold-hearted bitch.   
> please please have mercy! ~ S'il vous plait, s'il vous plait, pitié!
> 
> all translations come from the interwebs so I apologize for any mistranslations. I'm doing my best. please tell me what the mistranslation is and I'll fix it. <3


	5. I focus on the pain the only thing that's real.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Booker has disconnected himself from it. He barely registers the pain anymore. His body may still be going through the motions. Screaming and begging and writhing. It's just that though. Going through the motions.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew! got another chapter sorry it took so long. I hope you enjoy! as always translations at the end. lots of love ❤

Booker has disconnected himself from it. He barely registers the pain anymore. His body may still be going through the motions. Screaming and begging and writhing. It's just that though. Going through the motions. He feels the pain but he can't find himself caring all that much. He focuses on the ceiling. The pale crème roofing, water stains cover the fourth and sixth tiles to his left. He's counted them five hundred and sixty times in the past seven days. Seventy-six tiles. Lightbulb against the thirty-fifth and forty-fifth tiles. Stains on the sixty-sixth that looks like a heart. A leak in the 15th that keeps a monotonous drip as the background music to the never-ending "procedures". He lost count of how many fingers he's regrown in the past week. No, he stopped focusing on the pain a long time ago. Now he focuses on the tiles. 

Fifteen 

_ lost another finger _

Seventeen

_ there goes my liver _

Twenty-eight

_ one less toe _

Fifty

_ is she bleeding me? _

Sixty-seven

_ never been decapitated before that was fun. _

Seventy-five seventy…

Bookers mind was so far away at this point he barely remembered where he was. He retreated to the far corner of his consciousness. The one corner of his mind he had kept the darkness from invading. Jean Pierre giggling as booker threw him in the air. Alexandre helping him bind books. Philippe just sitting with him by the fire his quiet son leaning his head on booker's shoulder. Andy's firm grip on his nape. Nicolo's laugh. Yusuf's smile. Strong hands wrapped tight around his chest. Memories of long sleepy mornings in bed. White sheets tangled between his feet. Head in Yusuf's lap Nicolo's fingers carding through his hair as they read out old love poems. Nicolo pausing every few minutes to pepper kisses to booker's face. They were happy memories.

His chest ached, a deep hurt that had nothing to do with the scalpel pushed into his sternum. He missed his family. He missed Andy's quiet timbre her companionable silence and fierce love. He missed Nile even if he had only known her for a few days, he wished for his little sister. Yet his heart ached in an almost unbearable longing for Joe and Nicky. He felt like someone had taken the color from his world. Had stolen the very breath from his lungs. When he had been alone it had been bearable only because he could drown himself in liquor. Booker hasn't had a drink in seven days. Some might say that is not what he should be focusing on right now but as the other option is being fully present for the appendix removal currently happening to him he's gonna focus on the lack of alcohol.

He hasn't been this sober since before he left for the armée. Over his two hundred years, he has had the same flask in his pocket and sorrow in his heart. Often ti mes he had found it almost impressive that he managed to stay intoxicated with his high tolerance. Another thing the immortality had stolen from him I guess. He could no longer just drink a good glass of whiskey and feel a pleasant buzz. He had to make a sport out of it drink a bottle to feel tipsy. He had long since given up trying to drink himself to death. It took a herculean effort and he really didn't feel like spending the money to get enough bottles to do it. 

Without the booze, the hurt in his heart seemed almost intolerable the weight of his grief threatening to crush him. He missed Nicolo and Yusuf with a fierce passion. Longed for fingers in his hair. The warmth he felt in their presence that forced the ever-present chill out of his bones. He didn't deserve that though. He deserved what was happening to him. Deserved to be sentenced to the fate his actions almost made them suffer. He forced his way out of his mind focused on the good doctor standing a few feet away wiping off a needle hooking it up to the iv of yellow liquid hanging over his shoulder. 

"Qu'est-ce que c'est?"

The doctor turned on her heel flicking the bag refusing to acknowledge his question. That made him slightly nervous. he didn't like the feeling of not knowing. The loss of limbs wasn't as scary he knew what that felt like he didn't even know what this was. what was she putting in his veins?

"Qu'est-ce-qu'est-ce que ça? que mettrez-tu en Moi?"

she glanced down at him. leaning down she placed a hand on his face in a cruel mockery of compassion a sadistic smile on her face.

" We found a way to slow down your healing. It should make it easier to study your...."

she trailed her eyes down his body.

"remarkable abilities."

Fear flooded his system he struggled away from her trying to move his body away from the needle she had placed at the junction of his elbow.

"do try to keep still yes? wouldn't want to have to repeat the process."

The needle entered his skin and a warm feeling swept up his arm. Waiting with bated breath he was about to make a joke about how the bitch didn't know what she was doing when his body burst into flame.

It felt as though every nerve in his body was being lit on fire being slowly burned away only to be replaced with another to repeat the process. He refused to let himself go back to the confines of his mind. He refused to go to his happy memories. This was penance.

That didn't stop him from screaming for them as he burned.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> qu'est-ce que? ~ whats that?
> 
> Qu'est-ce-qu'est-ce que ça? que mettrez-tu en Moi? ~ what-what is that? what are you putting in me?
> 
> I hope you enjoyed it! As always if there's problems with the translations please let me know. Also if you have any ideas for stuff you want to see in the future of this fic please tell me. Also also if you have any prompts please let me know. I'd love to write whatever you all want to see written in this fandom. Lots of love ❤❤❤


	6. you fuck with them you fuck with me.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "you hurt Sebastian."
> 
> He slowly pushes the blade into her throat.
> 
> "You shouldn't have done that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Ok so new chapter. I don't know how i feel about this but i hope you enjoy it none the less. I'm sorry for any mistakes it's like three in the morning and my brain is fried.

The car was silent. The immortal lovers sat entwined at the hand. Nicky sat so still one might assume he was a statue. The sniper stared straight ahead flinty eyes set in a permanent glare. He grasped joes hand with a white knuckle grip his other hand splayed against his thigh cracking his joints in a repetitive motion. Joe sat opposite Nicky, fingers brushing over the hilt of his scimitar.

No one breaks the tension, all sitting stock still anger palpable. Nile checks her gun clicking it into place and sitting back knee's spread wide one hand over her cross the other gripping her gun. Quynh has barely said a word since they left Copley's house. She's had the same sadistic gleam to her eye since they learned where booker was. She stares at one of her arrows nails dragging across the ancient metal. Andy grips the wheel a vein on the side of her face pulsing and teeth pressed tightly together. The car stops outside a dilapidated building. The group of immortals gets out their weapons in steely silence. 

  
"We get in get booker and get out."

  
Andy grinds out swinging her labrys off her back.

  
"leave the doctor for Joe and Nicky." 

  
At their nods, the group slinks into the building making quick work of the first group of guards. The group of men are no match for the highly trained and highly pissed off family of immortals. They work in perfect harmony disabling the group of fourteen and moving without pause further into the facility. They wordlessly break off into groups eliminating all the guards in brutally quick succession. Joe flips a guard over his shoulder and as Nicky shoots him they hear it.

Screaming.

sharp agonized wails carry from the room just in front of the immortal lovers. Nicky lets out an almost feral growl of anger when he hears Sebastian yelling their names. Nicky turns slowly to Joe to find the same look of wild fury and kicks in the door.

Joe cuts down the guards in the room with practiced ease and turns to the doctor. She lets out a scream of fear dropping the scalpel in her bloody hands.

Sebastian's blood.

Nicky's mind helpfully supplies. He feels Joe at his side and takes a moment to look over at his younger lover. Sebastian had died under the doctor's scalpel and now laid. Eyes open and unseeing chest cracked open mouth still wide in a silent scream. His eyes fix to his lover's open chest focus entirely on the way his skin is no longer closing. NO. nononononononono... He turned and hoisted the doctor up by her coat slamming her against the wall. 

  
"Why is he not healing!"

  
Kozak pitifully fights against his hand stuttering and clawing at his fists uselessly. 

  
"We we found a way to slow down his healing W..We slowed him.."

  
Nicky throws the doctor to the floor. 

  
"Hayati is he healing?"

  
he turns back toward joe who had booker unshackled from the table and laying in his lap. Joe looks up with frantic eyes.

  
"Y-yes yes he's healing. it's slow but it there."

  
He takes a moment to let the relief wash over him breathing deeply. His fury comes back tenfold when he looks at the rest of the room. The walls are covered head to toe in jars. fingers and toes and livers and blood cover every wall of the horrific room. Joe seems to see this too and he carefully sets bookers head on his balled-up jacket. With the centuries of fighting together, no words are needed as joe slinks behind the sobbing doctor trapping her arms behind her back. She struggles futilely screaming and wrenching against Yusuf's steady grip.

  
"p..p.please please you don't understand it was for science..."

  
Nicky remains cold dragging his broadsword against the floor as he stalks toward her.

  
"Please I beg of you have mercy."

  
Nicky kneels in front of her a derisive laugh rumbling from his chest.

  
"mercy?"

  
He points toward the booker with his sword. 

  
"I seem to remember our dear Sebastian begging for mercy? do you remember that doctor?"

  
He strikes out grabbing her by the hair and lifting her head. The cold metal of his sword pressed into her neck.

  
"you hurt Sebastian."

  
He slowly pushes the blade into her throat.

  
"You shouldn't have done that."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry booker wasn't awake in this chapter I just really wanted to write a death for kozak and I didn't really know how to do that with booker being awake. Next chapter will be Booker getting some comfort and will probably have lots of cuddles. thanks for reading! lots of love!! ❤❤❤❤❤


	7. Hold me close and say you're mine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This was Joe and Nicky's house. He was in joe and Nicky's house. Seriously what the fuck was going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woop woop! all aboard the 'lets torture booker' train!
> 
> Thank you EbbaTriesToWrite and Chris Libretto for help with the dialogue and Italian, and thank you to everyone who inspired me to continue working on this fic 🤟 love you all! I hope you enjoy this new chapter it's longer than usual as a gift for waiting so fuckin long for me to post a new chapter 😂

Warmth. Warmth is the first thing that registers in four's brain. He sinks into the foreign feeling melting against the soft fabric wrapped around his cold body. Wrapping his arms around his chest four pushes his face into his shoulder inhaling the warm cedarwood and citrus of Nicky's cologne. Underneath was the sweet vanilla of the old books that Nicky naturally smelled of the aromas seamlessly blending to create the unique and wonderful scent of Nicolo. 

It relaxed something deep inside booker to be wrapped up in his lover's scent. Made parts of his memory come back pulling him away from the antiseptic stench that seemed to permeate his memories of the last few days. His memories were a blinding white roll of film played back on a loop body aching in remembrance causing a shiver to run through his warm body interrupting the lovely glow he had accumulated since.........wait. 

Booker froze. Chill well and truly setting in now. Where the hell was he? 

The last thing he remembers is the white-hot pain of the new drug Kozak had been testing on him. A stark contrast to the comforting heat book had felt in his moments in this strange new room. The heat the drug brought was unbearable. Scorching in a way that made him long for the cold. Then...nothing he remembers nothing after the fire in his veins. He had been burning and then he had been here. In a warm bed. With Nicky's hoodie. What the fuck was happening. 

Rolling over he cracks an eye open squinting in the bright light of the mid-morning sun streaming through the open window. He surveyed his surroundings old instinct taking over even as his exhausted body begged him to just lay down in the warm bed offered and worry about danger later. If your gonna die might as well have a good nap beforehand. He fought against that want though instead pushing his hand under the pillow searching for the gun he knew on some primal level needed to be there.

When his hand came back empty Booker searched the room looking for something he could commandeer as a weapon. Perhaps that candle? Maybe he could break off the glass of that frame to make a substitute for his knife? His eyes roved over the room barely seeing before it clicked in his brain.

He's been in this room before. The white walls, the red linen curtains over the beautiful view. The old knick-knacks covering every space not occupied by First addition books stacked neatly in their case against the fair right corner. His eyes stopped on the picture frame right in front of his bed. In the small gray frame, three men looked back at booker. The two on the outside had their arms wrapped tight around the third. One was putting bunny ears behind his head the other pressing a sloppy kiss against the middleman's cheek. 

This was Joe and Nicky's house. 

He was in joe and Nicky's house.

Seriously what the fuck was going on. 

Nicky sat with Joe in their room for three hours eyes never moving from Booker's face. Hand-pressed firm against his chest counting out beats in his mind.

_ Thump-thump. he's still here. _

_ Thump-thump. He's just asleep.  _

_ Thump-thump. God Sebastian, please wake up. _

He startles when a warm hand comes to rest over top of his. 

" Habibi.."

Joe murmurs across Booker reaching to lean his forehead against Nicky's breath mingling as he whispers words against Nicky's lips.

"Nicolo you've barely blinked in the last hour, my love."

Nicky lifts his eyes to joes letting a haggard sigh. Joe waited for him to find his words. Offering silent support as Nicky tried to recognize the swirls of emotion running through him at the moment.

"I'm so afraid joe.."

Nicky let the words out slow and thoughtful. Accent lilting wetly over the whispered confession.

"I'm so afraid that this is it. That he will leave this world thinking we hated him."

The Genovian's voice broke warningly and he took one moment to gather his breath willing away the sob that threatened to wrench free from his chest.

"That we would leave him in that horrid place. That we would ever leave him there knowingly."

Nicky's hand grips the fabric over bookers' heart white knuckles stark against the dark green of his hoodie.

"-I'm afraid that-that he will die without ever truly knowing how much we love him."

Joe lets out a broken sigh pulling Nicky's face closer to his pressing their mouths together in a chaste kiss. Pulling a hairsbreadth apart Joe whispers firmly into Nicky's lips. 

"You cannot be there for him if you are not fully there Amore Mio." 

Nicky knows he's right. He knows that he needs to take a moment away from the situation. breath for a minute and return with a clear head capable of caring for their traumatized lover. 

That doesn't make it any easier to step away. That doesn't take away the itch in his palm to feel his young loves skin pressed against his fingertips. To press his ear against his chest and let the beats of his heart be the only thought in his head. To stay and comfort and protect.  That doesn't make it any easier to let Joe take him by the shoulders let him walk him into the kitchen for a cup of tea to occupy his hands.

He sighed into the steam of the cup. Swallowing down the anxiety clawing at his chest with the warm ginger liquid. They drank in silence far away looks permanent on their faces, Nicky keeping his ear tuned in to the room just beside the kitchen where Sebastian is sleeping. He forces a deep breath into his lungs releasing as much tension as possible hearing joe do the same across from him. He sits up rinsing his mug and Joe comes behind to rest at his back arms winding around him nose resting against his nape which has him relaxing further against Joe's chest. 

Nicky hears a muffled groan from the other room causing his head to snap back barely avoiding joes nose as he turns around as well. They share a heated stare before bursting into motion. Joe all but throws his mug in the sink and they walk quickly toward the room. Stopping just outside the door the men take a deep breath before gently pushing it open. 

Booker sits on the bed sheets tangled around his waist confused face as he stares at the wall ahead of him. He doesn't seem to notice them come in and his gaze stays focused on the picture frame sat against the dresser. Joe steps into booker eye line.

"Book.."

The Frenchman's gaze snaps up to joe confused stare melting away to something so full of pain it makes Nicky's chest ache with the unbearable need to hold the broken man and kiss the furrow between his brows until it smoothed. To light the night that booker seemed to be forever stuck in like the moon joe so liked to compare him to. He's snapped out of his thoughts by a small whimper from the bed in front of him. The usually tall man has curled in on himself nails digging painfully into his scalp hair pulled taut between his fingertips.

"No  _ non non non non non _ .."

The man is rocking lightly now frantic pleas whispered under his breath as he tears at his hair breath coming in heaving gasps now. 

"You can't be here you cant-I you need to get out before she gets back! you can't no no.."

The terrified pleading breaks Nicky's restraint and he surges forward kneeling in front of Booker on the bed.

"Book, ho bisogno che respiri. Respira, Sebastien. Sono qui amore mio, ok? Sono Nicky. Posso toccarti?"

Booker wasn't listening though. Blue eyes were frantically searching the room. His hands gripped Joes forearms pushing him towards the door. When he wasn't gaining any traction with that he grabbed Nicky by the shoulders. His eyes were cloudy and red-rimmed as they scanned Nicky's face never really seeing him.

"Why are you here! It's dangerous!"

Nicky placed his palms against the Frenchman's cheeks thumb rubbing gently against his jaw.

"Booker do you know where you are right now my love?"

The painful look came back to his eyes his breath rapidly picking up. Blue eyes searched the room never fully landing on anything. He pushed the hands-on him off thrusting himself back against the headboard tucking his head between his knees. The quiet confession came after a few seconds so soft they might not have heard had they not been sitting so close.

"I don't know. I don't know what's going on."

Nicky cast a worried glance towards Joe before forcing himself a tiny bit closer to Booker, arms hanging limply to his sides despite wanting so desperately to reach out to touch him, he didn't want to scare him. The thought left a bitter taste in his mouth but he swallowed it down along with the guilt and waited for Booker's eyes to finally meet his. 

"It's me, Nicolo. Do you recognize me?" 

Booker gives a minuscule nod but his eyes flicker for a moment.

“Why-” 

“Why what?” 

Joe asks, voice gentle but the haste in which he spoke showed just how worried he was.

“Why are you here?” 

Booker’s hands were trembling, eyes distant and glassy.

“They’ll hurt you.”

“Sebastien-” Nicky’s voice cracked and again, he wanted nothing more than to wrap his arms around his lover. 

“I hurt you,”

Booker whispered and curled up even tighter, looking so incredibly small on the bed. It broke something deep in Nicky to see the tall man so small and defeated. Curled as if waiting for a hit, protecting the soft parts of his body as if he or joe had forgotten the anger they had years ago and were now going to come for him. Joe made a wounded sound to his right reaching for his hand. 

"You didn't - Copley told us. You didn't mean to-"

Booker laughed a strangled imitation of mirth shaking his head sharply.

"But that's just it isn't it? I didn't mean to. I didn't mean to and yet you were still tortured for _ hours _ ."

His voice broke on the hours but before Nicky could cut in he continued on with the rant slightly hysterical now.

"I didn't mean to almost kill Andy and yet I did. I didn't mean to make Nile's first week of immortality so traumatic and yet she had to jump out of a fucking building because of my stupidity."

He was well and truly hyperventilating now rocking back and forth.

"I never meant to hurt my sons and yet they died in pain and I couldn't even comfort them. I couldn't even fucking do that for them."

His voice was high and wet closer to a sob than anything.

"I didn't mean to fall in love with you. Not when you so clearly didn't need me and yet here I am still intruding on your relationship still too fucking weak to even get out of this bed and just leave as you deserve. So fucking weak-" 

He finally broke sobs wracking his frame as he dug his fingers into his arms nails creating dark red lines down his biceps. The Frenchmen continued rocking whispering under his breath.

_ weak weak weak so fucking weak. _

The older immortals seemed frozen. Nicky's brain wasn't working correctly and all he seemed to be able to do was sit and watch as his young lover fell apart. Joe's hand still gripped his, though considerably tighter now. Joe seemed to snap out of it first reaching one hand out and laying it gently on booker's aware of the flinch of the younger man but resolute in its loose hold. 

"Sebastien. Sebastien look at me love."

Joe waited for the watery blue eyes to look up from his hands before continuing.

"Habibi-yes. yes, the girls got hurt. yes, we got hurt."

Booker crumpled back at this. Eyes averting down to the duvet.

"Hey no, none of that book."

Joe gently grabbed his chin skilled fingers tilting his face up to meet his eyes.

"Yes you hurt us but we hurt you as well. How could we not see this? How could we not see the pain you were in?"

Tears filled joe's eyes and spilled down his cheeks and he leaned his forehead against bookers. When he showed no sign of continuing Nicky leaned forward placing his hand over Booker's heart. 

"How can you think we do not need you, Sebastien? That I do not need you just as much as I need the breath in my lungs."

Bookers eyes shot open his mouth slightly ajar.

"But you have each other I-"

"Sebastien-"

Nicky sighed in fond agitation.

"My heart is as fully yours as it is joes. I'm so sorry we didn't make sure you knew that  _ mon chéri" _

It seemed like the Frenchman's strings were cut as he fell forward into Joe's waiting arms sobbing desperate apologies into his neck. Nicky wrapped around his back pressing kisses into his neck finally holding his lover.

"You're forgiven."

"We love you, Sebastien."

"Come home."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Italian translations: Book, ho bisogno che respiri. Respira, Sebastien. Sono qui amore mio, ok? Sono Nicky. Posso toccarti? ~ book I need you to breath. Breath Sebastian. I'm here ok love it's Nicky. can I touch you?
> 
> What did you think? I hope you liked it! Comments and kudos are always adored. Comments make me so happy and tell me how y'all are feeling about the story so far so please drop one if you feel like it. Even if it is just indiscernible key smash It's still appreciated!  
> Lots of love!!! 🤟🤟🤟


	8. With you my dear I'm safe.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Joe carded his fingers through fine hair pulling Sebastien closer, his cold nose pressed against Joe's throat.  
> Joe had feared he was going to pull out all his beautiful hair earlier and had taken to soothing his hands through the dirty brown mop on Sebastien's head, working out the tangles as best he could with the man fast asleep against his chest.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hellooo...I have nothing to say for myself. Sorry it’s been almost three months. I suck I know. Enjoy this 4,500 word apology. There’s cuddles.

** _Joe's POV_ **

Joe carded his fingers through fine hair pulling Sebastien closer, his cold nose pressed against Joe's throat. Joe had feared he was going to pull out all his beautiful hair earlier and had taken to soothing his hands through the dirty brown mop on Sebastien's head, working out the tangles as best he could with the man fast asleep against his chest. 

His hands stilled against the younger man's scalp when Booker shifted, Groaning into Joe’s skin. With his brow so tightly knit, his whimpering and abandoned movement Joe comes to the conclusion his youngest lover is in the beginnings of a nightmare. 

Was it Quynh or the lab? he wondered. Which of their failures haunted Booker this time? 

Joe pushed that thought to the back of his head. No time for guilt right now. His lover needed him. He refused to let Booker be swept into a nightmare so soon.

He refused to let anything break his love's first actual sleep in a week. Even his own sub conscious. He resumed his ministrations murmuring sweet nothings until Booker snuggled back into his neck, his breath hushed. 

He met Nicky's eyes over Booker’s back having one of those silent conversations Seb loved to complain about. He knew both of them had been shaken up by booker's breakdown when he had awoken. In the 200 years they had known the man and the 80 ish years they had shared a bed, they had never seen him so broken.

He had foolishly hoped Booker had just been better at handling the trauma of their immortality. Now he recognized the patterns they had fallen into. Him and Nicky getting lost in each other, leaving Bookers to either process the shit they lived with alone; or with Andy, who in actuality, hadn't had proper coping mechanisms since Quynh was torn from her. 

And before that it had just been fuck away your feelings.

Thinking of it now Joe could see all the warning signs over the years of how lonely Sebastien had been. The way he rarely ever stayed in their bed through the night. The flask that seemed permanently attached to his lips. The times he would abruptly leave, disappear without a trace for weeks. 

They had let him go. Losing Quynh broke something in all of them. It showed up in different ways for each member of the family. Andy turned to drink and got lost in her longing for death, inadvertently dragging Booker down with her. 

While Joe and Nicky got lost in one another. He had been too afraid of losing his moon to notice his stars fading away. Joe had been too afraid of being alone to notice that his young lover had felt lonely enough to attempt a final death. 

Joe tightened his hold on the Frenchman nuzzling into his hair. Booker's hair smelled strongly of blood and chemicals but somewhere underneath it all was still the uninhibited smell of Sebastien. 

The dark liquor and sharp tang of coconut calmed his itching skin enough for him to loosen the death grip he had on the pillow by book's head and lay it instead on Nicky's tense jaw. 

Piercing eyes turned to him as he ran his fingers over the silken skin of his lover's jaw gently rubbing his thumb into tense muscles until they relaxed under his fingers.

His husband's throat bobbed with suppressed emotion and Nicky tucked his head against Joe's hand. Warm lips pressed against his palm in a lasting kiss. It was infused with way too many emotions for Joe to decipher with his tired mind. 

Red rimmed eyes peeked up from behind his hand and Joe's breath caught at the pure emotion in Nicky's eyes. His husband's breath stuttered as he struggled to keep quiet behind the sleeping man's body. He knew his husband enough to recognize that look. He had seen it when Nicky looked at him over a fire so many years ago. Had seen it when they couldn’t save someone or when Nicky’s mind took him back to a bloody battleground. Had seen it when he talked about Sébastien in the later years of his exile. It was pure self loathing.

All it took was the muttered 'oh Nicolo' that Joe couldn't help for Nicky to fully break. Tears flowed over his cheeks, rivers only interrupted by joes fingers sweeping across his pale skin. 

"Sweet man, I know Nicolo. I know."

Nicky's breath faltered and he clamped a hand over his mouth attempting to quiet some of the sobs wracking his body so as to not wake up their drained lover. 

Only when he seemed to have steeled himself slightly did he whisper out a response.

"How Yusuf? How did we miss this?"

Nicky shook his head against Joe's palm reaching out to brush his knuckles over Sebastien's pale throat extending his fingers to cup the younger man's jaw similar to the way Joe cupped his own. 

"How did we miss the desperation he had to die? I keep thinking of all the self-deprecating humor. The times he would wake after a nightmare, and cry thinking no one was awake to hear him."

  
  


Joe's fingers stuttered against Nicky's chin coming to rest on the Genoan's hand as he continued to rant in a whisper, voice broken and rough from crying. 

"All the spiked tea and drunken nights and quiet moments where he could have just told us. Just told us he wanted comfort or he needed us to hold him. And instead he'd drown himself in whatever's in that infernal flask."

That did tend to happen a lot. Quiet moments after particularly rough missions where Joe and Nicky would lay entangled on the bed begging Booker to just come to lay down with them.

Come and settle his raw nerves and remind himself they were all safe. He would always just deny, say he was fine. Brush them off to disappear for the night and return looking more the part of a drowned man than he had before, stinking of whisky. 

"God Joe, what if-what if we hadn't found him? What if he had been in that lab forever?"

Nicolo’s voice took on a hysterical note.

"Getting pieces cut out of him while we had just gone on with our lives.”

Nicky was voicing all of Joe's fears. They had been prepared to leave Booker alone for at least the next thirty years. If it were not for Quynh’s overprotective nature...he doesn’t even want to imagine what state Booker would be in when they finally found him.

“That was what he  _ wanted _ in the beginning, Yusuf. He truly believed we thought so little of him that if he just disappeared we wouldn't even fucking notice!" 

His voice got louder as his anger and sadness overwhelmed him. By the end it was a low shout which Nicky barely seemed to notice. Booker shuffled against Joe's chest thankfully not waking but the little groan that he made seemed to calm Nicky enough for him to look down at their young lover and soften.

With a deep breath that Joe felt in his own lungs Nicky carded his fingers once through Booker’s hair looking down on his sleeping face he whispered.

"Why Yusuf?"

Joe sighed deeply, breath catching in his throat. That was the million-dollar question, wasn't it? 

Why?

Why had Bookers felt the need to hide from them? 

Why had he thought they wouldn't understand? 

That they wouldn't know of his pain and want to help him alleviate it?

The truth Yusuf realized was more painful than the question itself. 

"I believe -I believe that we would not have understood."

Nicky jerked up defense already on his parted lips. Joe lifted a hand to silence him. 

"If Booker had come to you about Copley would you have listened?"

Nicky sighed and lowered his hands into Booker's hair to replace Joe's which were wrapped around the younger man's waist.

"I know I would not have. As much as I wish to deny it we would have chastised him and brushed past it. Tied up the loose ends and moved on with our 'happy lives'." 

He glanced down at his lover's face tracing the sad curve of his brow with a light finger. He gently pressed at the furrow till it smoothed, wishing to soothe the man who couldn't find peace even in sleep. 

"He needs love differently. We have been with one another for so long we have perhaps forgotten that not everyone understands us in the way we do each other."

\--------------------------------------------------------

**_ Nicky's POV _ **

The older immortals were shaken out of their revere by a small groan and sharp jerk from the younger. Booker sat up with a sharp inhale of breath pressing his hand to his mouth in what seemed to be a practiced movement, muffling his shout.

Nicky gently laid his fingers on the Frenchman's shoulder. He made sure to keep his touch light enough that Booker could shrug it off if he wished but firm enough to hopefully ground him. 

He jumped under Nicky's touch but quickly relaxed when he realized who it was. They sat in silence as Booker caught his breath. Nicky rubbing calming circles into his back. 

After five minutes of silence Booker tilted his chin up and Nicky saw his hollow cheeks and matted hair, skin still grimy after the washcloth bath they had given him upon their arrival to the house. He winced at the hundred-yard stare and glanced at Joe who seemed to have the same idea.

" _ Libretto _ , Do you think you could make it to the shower? I want to get that blood off you."

Book's eyes seemed to clear a little and he nodded moving his legs off the side of the bed. Joe stood quickly holding a hand out for the Frenchman to steady himself. 

Booker's legs wobbled as he stood, green hoodie hanging off his emaciated frame. Nicky followed silently getting ahead of them (but still in Booker's sightline) and started the water. 

Booker grasped the counter when he got in the bathroom. The toll of healing with no food, water, and very little sleep zapping all the energy from his already energy barren body. Nicky felt the warm water and turned back to Booker. 

"Bas...could we help you? I fear if you go in alone.."

"I'd pass out. y -yeah. yes, it's ok."

Joe nods and helps Booker get out of his clothes and lean back against the counter before stripping as well. 

Nicky climbs into the shower already divested of his clothing and helps Booker keep his balance as he steps in. Lucky for them this is one of Joe and Nicky's homes so the shower is big enough to fit three easily.

With little struggle Booker is in between them leaning on Joe's chest as Nicky soaps up the washcloth and kneels down to clean his way up Booker’s leg.

Nicky scrubs gently at his bloodied skin wiping away the carnage. The wounds have long since healed but he can map out exactly what Kozak did to his lover by the sheer amount of blood coating his skin.

Nicky can’t help but flinch every time his lover shies away from him, brain no doubt telling him that Nicky’s touch means pain. Fuck.

He wishes he had killed her slower. 

Wishes he had torn her limb from limb for making this beautiful man equate touch with torture. 

He had patience. He would have made her beg for death. He needed to get Booker out though, he reasoned with himself. He needed to get Book out of there and they all needed to get out before the place had blown. still...

Booker whimpers loudly jumping back from Nicky’s hand on his elbow, slamming into Joe and curling over his soft spots protectively. Nicky draws back immediately throwing his hands up, horror running through his veins. 

Joe looked just as horrified as him but he carefully sinks his fingers into Sébastien's hair. Taking care to wait till he stopped shaking to begin running his hands soothingly through the wet tresses. 

Nicky slowly lowered his hands stepping towards Booker's hunched form, movements slow and telegraphed. He grabbed Booker's hand, stroking a finger over each of his knuckles before sliding his hand up to where it had been before.

“I promise I won’t hurt you.”

Booker nods his head tentatively and Nicky continues scrubbing at the dried blood in the crease of his arm. Nicky reaches behind him and grips the bottle of shampoo. Turning back he drops it into Joe’s hands. 

With a nod Joe squeezes some product onto his fingers and begins massaging it into Booker’s scalp.

\--------------------------------------------------------

  
  
_**Booker's POV** _   
  
  
  


Booker is tense at first, his pale legs twitching and spasming like a wounded animal. The feel of hands on his body nauseating. The constant loop of  _ pain pain pain _ …..won’t stop running through his mind and he keeps expecting a blade to appear in Nicolo's hand. 

He keeps expecting to feel the cold metal separating his skin. He keeps expecting the alcohol permeated room to come back. For something to snap him back to that frigid hell because this can’t be real. 

The two men he’s been in love with for centuries can't possibly feel enough for him to clean him this carefully. So he waits. He waits for the right incision, a needle to venture too deep, a saw to sever vital. 

He waits and he waits but……Nothing happens. 

No scalpel appears. Joe's warm hand in his hair never grips harshly. Nicky’s hand on his elbow never yanks. It never attempts to shove a needle under his skin. 

Maybe he  _ is _ safe. 

It is a dangerous thought but Booker can’t help it. He’s always been incurably hopeful. One would not guess it from his dark exterior. From his strong urge to die. He always hoped the best would happen, always hoped everything would work out. But just because he was hopeful didn't mean he was clueless. He hoped for the best but he prepared for every outcome.

And anyways most of his hope died with him at the end of that rope in Russia. But now he hopes. He hopes this is real. Prays really. He doesn’t think he would survive if he had to go back to that lab after this. 

His brain is running a mile a minute but he can’t help but succumb to the comfort the hands against his scalp bring. He slowly relaxes into the hands. Relaxes into the feeling of warm hands against his skin. Warm hands that wouldn’t hurt him. Hands that were there for comfort not experimentation. 

His brain goes pleasantly foggy as he collapses into the sensations. Joe's hands in his hair, short nails scraping across all the right spots cleaning the heavy weight of sweat and blood from his antiseptic scented hair. They wash the lab from his hair and skin, pink water sliding down the drain along with all his tension. 

“You're safe, rest my love.”

  
\--------------------------------------------------------  
  
**_Nicky's POV_**

Booker falls asleep against Joe’s chest as Nicky finishes rinsing the soap off  and grabs the hair products from Joe wasting no time to clean himself up in the process . He takes Booker from Joe’s arms letting his husband do the same. 

Nicky is loath to wake his sleeping love up but he needs to get Booker out of the bath. He runs his hand through Book’s blonde hair and whispers in his ear enough to rouse him.

“We need to get out of the bath..That's it just up and over and we can get you to bed…”

Booker shuffles out of the tub all loose limbs and pink damp skin. He immediately leans against Nicky, tucking his stubble coated face into his neck. Nicky coo’s gently running a hand over the back of his head and hums softly as Booker melts into his throat. 

He looks over Book's shoulder to see Joe’s hand on the towel but his eyes on them, soft and adoring at the sight of him holding Book up. Nicky smiled at his lover, a small chuckle bubbling in his throat and raised an eyebrow at Joe.

His husband cheeks pink adorably and he quickly grabs the towel shaking his head before walking over. He dries off Book’s skin and rubs his hair quickly leaving it only slightly damp and lemon scented. He dried Nicky's for him with a soft smile. Nicky smiles back gently and whispers into the air between them.

“Thank you _Hayati_.”

Joe presses a quick kiss to both his and Bookers foreheads shooing them out with a comment about making lunch. 

Booker stumbles along with his legs wobbly and eyes half closed, somewhere between awake and asleep. Nicky leaves himself naked but Pulls one his hoodies over Booker's head before sitting him on the bed.

He lifts the Frenchman’s legs pulling a pair of briefs over his hips. Sighing, Nicky pushes his hair back over his forehead and crawls behind Sébastien. 

Laying a gentle hand on Booker's arm, Nicky gently pulls the swaying form of Booker into his chest. He stops when he feels Booker tense up going completely still beneath his hands.

He lets out a sigh of relief when Booker makes a small noise of recognition and wraps his arms around Nicky’s waist burying his head into Nicky’s neck once more. Warm nose tucked securely under his jaw.

His heart warms at the small noise of comfort that Book makes against his throat. Nicky runs a hand up and down his arm, ring brushing against his hoodie clad skin in a repetitive motion. 

Sebastien arches into his touch, breath puffing against Nicky’s throat with every happy moan when Nicky’s deft fingers scratch and rub at his skin. 

Booker's walls are down and he isn’t holding back any of the comfort he gets from Nicky’s touches. It fills Nicky with an all encompassing contentment. The room becomes silent for a moment and Nicky feels the air in the room shift making him pull Booker closer to his body. In his half asleep state Sebastien mumbles against his neck.

“Nico?”

“Yes Sébastien?”

“I thought you weren’t going to come for me.”

The confession is quiet and hesitant whispered against his neck as if Nicky wouldn’t hear it but simply absorb it into his skin. It fills him with righteous fury.

Not at Sébastien, no never at Sébastien but simply at himself for how bullheaded and idiotic he could be. He had never been great at communicating his feelings but he thought he had told booker loud and clear that he loved him. 

That he would hang the moon and stars for him if he asked. Would kill anyone who dared lay a finger on him. He had really thought that was communicated but Booker clearly hadn’t interpreted him correctly. 

The thought that Booker could ever think they would leave him with that bitch is repulsive and makes him want to shake past Nicky by the shoulders and scream 

_ Just look at him! He needs you! It could not be more clear! _

“ _Tesoro_...I would never leave you in that place. Ever. I feel your pain as if it was my own. The years without you were agony..but to think of you under that woman's hand?” 

Nicky shivered with disgust, Kozak’s blood covered gloves sharp in his memory. 

“To not know if we would be too late? It was unbearable. I was so afraid that we hadn’t gotten to you in time.”

Nicky ran his hand down Booker’s chest tracing the invisible scar under the blue material of his hoodie. The wound may have healed, no scar carved into Booker’s perfect chest. But Nicky would always be able to see it. The angry red gash down his sternum, The wide and terrified look on Booker’s face, eyes cold and dead and piercing through Nicky’s soul. 

“When I saw that horrible woman with your blood on her hands I -I am not ashamed to say all rational thought flew from my head.”

Nicky clenched his hand in the bedding behind Booker's back.

“How dare she. How dare she mar your perfect skin. How dare she act as if she owned you. How dare she make you feel so afraid and in such agony-  _ How dare she. _ The rage I felt _Habibi_ -”

Nicky unclenched his fingers from the sheets placing them decisively on his back. Booker whispered the question when it was clear Nicky wasn’t going to continue.

“You killed her?”

Nicky breathed in deep, holding the cool air in his lungs.

“I did.”

“How?”

The air floods out of his lungs with a ragged huff.

“I put my sword through her throat.”

“Did she die quickly?”

“Quicker than I wanted her too. She bled out fairly fast but I tried to prolong it for as long as I could before we had to go. I’m sorry I couldn’t give her a death worthy of her crimes.”

It was silent for a long moment until Booker whimpered and clung tighter to Nicky.

“It hurt so much Nicolo.”

Nicky’s heart broke at the pure  _ despair _ in his lover's voice.

“It wouldn’t  _ stop.  _ She wouldn’t stop and I couldn't move, couldn’t even scream past all the blood in my throat. I -I she put straps on my  _ neck _ Nico, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t breath and it hurt so much-”

Booker broke into sobs against his throat shaking in Nicky’s arms. Nicky gripped his nape and held him to his throat, swallowing around the lump, tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I got you Sébastien, I got you.”

“And I -I thought you wouldn’t come for me. Because I deserved that. I deserve it for hurting you and breaking your trust and-”

Nicky’s heart fills with desperation at the mere thought of Booker believing he deserves what that bitch did to him. A disapproving noise left him and he pulled back to look in Booker’s eyes. 

Booker clearly mis-reads the intent behind his movement and flinches violently. Nicky whines softly and pulls him back to his chest, cupping the back of his head and shushing him quietly as he sobs into the skin of Nicky’s throat.

Booker pulled back after a few minutes leaving Nicky feeling cold. And not just because of the cooling tears on his neck.

“Booker. Sébastien Look at me.... Look at me _Tesoro_.” 

Bookers eyes are firmly downcast. Resolute in their stare at his hands. Nicky cups his jaw and brings his head back up. Locking their eyes he steels himself. Nicky leans his forehead against Book’s, Soft skin pushed intimately close, eyes locked, and breaths mingling.

“ _ Stop. _ Stop spiraling _Tesoro_. We have you. I am not angry. My trust in you is not fragile.”

  
  
  


Tears ran down Booker’s face once more and Nicky only pushed their faces closer, lips resting gently over the Frenchman's.

Nicky swallowed his Hitched breath tangling their lips in a soft dance. Booker continued to cry and Nicky moved from kissing his lips to pressing kisses into every part of his face he could reach. 

Eyelids, brow bone, forehead, cheeks, chin, nose, Nicky brushed his lips across Sébastien's face. Wiping the tears from his cheeks with his mouth. 

Saltwater on his breath Nicky kissed Sébastien once more on after he had caught his breath. 

“I’m sorry.”

Nicky was confused.

“What for  _ Mon Amore _ ?”

Booker averted his eyes to the ground quickly, cheeks heating under Nicolo’s steady gaze. 

“For being so...emotional, so clingy.”

  
  


Nicky huffed incredulously, dragging Booker closer to him when the Frenchman tried to scoot further away. 

“Sebastien...for such a smart man you can be incredibly thick sometimes.”

“What-”

Nicky cut him off with a soft kiss.

“You are not being ‘clingy’ as you so astutely put it. You are seeking comfort. I love you. I am always going to be there for you if you need me.”

Booker still looked adorably confused.

“ _ Libretto _ ...You are not a burden. I want you here. I want you in my arms.”

Book’s face crumpled at those words and he toppled forward into Nicky’s chest. Nicky stroked down his sides soothingly, attempting to break the tension.

“And if I’m remembering correctly not being ‘emotional’ is what got us in this mess the first time, bas.”

Nicky couldn’t see his younger lover but he felt the skin against his chest get warmer and snorted before turning serious once more.

“ _ Libretto _ , I meant what I said. I am always here for you.”

Nicky thought back to his and Joe's earlier conversation. How little Booker truly told them of what he needed. How disconnected the poor man must feel from his own wants and needs. They would change that.

“I want you to learn how to ask for what you need.”

Booker sighed against his chest but nodded slightly at the unasked question. Nicky hummed happily and placed his hands in Booker’s hair.

“We’ll start simple. Do you need water?”

It was silent for a moment before Booker visibly steeled himself muttering out a quiet

“Yes.”

Nicky ran an affirming hand across Sebastien’s nape, reassuring him he had done what he was supposed to. 

“Perfect.”

Nicky leaned over to the bedside table grabbing the glass of water he had placed there before they went to their shower. 

“Open, love.”

Nicky held the cup to Booker's lips taking care not to spill any or tip it up to fast. Once the water was finished Nicky pulled the cup from his lover's mouth wiping at the bit that trickled down his chin with his thumb. 

“Wonderful job  _ Tesoro _ , Do you need to eat?”

  
  


“No.”

Nicky raised an eyebrow at him silently questioning the speed in which he answered. Booker looked thoughtful before he slowly shook his head, meeting Nicky’s eyes hesitantly.

“No, I -I think if I try to eat right now I wouldn’t be able to keep it down.”

A Smile spread across his face at his lover’s attentiveness to what he was feeling. 

“Then we’ll try something tomorrow. That was wonderful Basti.”

Booker preened under the praise, pressing his cold hand over his bright red cheeks. It was all together quite adorable.

“Was there anything else you needed Booker?”

Sébastien looked conflicted for a moment before he covered his face with his hands.

“Can you hold me?”

It was muffled by his hands but Nicolo still heard it. His heart felt warm at his lover's question and he pulled Booker's body into his arms in answer. Nicky reached behind himself and turned down the lamp, bringing the light in the room down to an ambient glow that seemed to make Booker sleepy and pliant in his arms once more. Nicky maneuvered them into a more comfortable position. Bookers body pressed against his chest, legs tangled, Bookers hands wrapped around Nicky’s wrists which were folded over his midsection. It was warm and comfortable and Booker relaxed into his chest. Some indiscernible amount of time later Booker’s sleep tired voice broke through the silence.

“Can you hold me tighter?”

Booker sounded unsure but Nicky just readjusted his arms and pulled Booker tighter to his chest.

“Of course, Basti.”

Booker hummed with soft contentment, the sound rolling through Nicky’s chest to settle around his heart as he and his lover lay in the quiet comfort of each other's embrace.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo….don’t hate me? I’m sorry I didn’t upload for so long the writing muse completely left me and I couldn’t do the word thing. I hope you enjoyed your apology. It had lots of cuddles and angst and a shower scene so hopefully it made you happy. Comments are loved and cherished, please feel free to send me ideas. My brain is like an empty juice box being squeezed for that last little swig of juice we all know isn’t there. 
> 
> Thank you BST and Emma who kept me off the brink of many a mental breakdown 😂 Love you guys! ❤
> 
> Thank you to Ebba for letting me bounce idea's off her and for everyone in my discord servers who helped me figure out what the fuck I was doing 😂 Love you all, your life savers. 
> 
> Special love to my writing buddy L. She's amazing and honestly one of the only reasons I wrote for a bit there. 😅 Love you darling.
> 
> Stay safe. Be kind to one another please. 
> 
> Love you lots, 
> 
> Del

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoyed it! <3


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